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The One Where I Get Personal


Do you ever feel like you have all these questions but you can never get answers? Just me?!?! Great!

Lately I feel like I’m just not getting any answers. I’ve been praying for direction and it SEEMS like nothing is happening. Now I know God is at work here. I know that I can trust Him. I know that HE is in control. So why do I still struggle?

Let me give you a little background first. I’m right at three years into my first ministry job. The past two years have been some of the most difficult years of my entire life. Without going into a lot of details, just know that i grew up in the ministry, (I’m a pk and ministry is a part of my being) and these have been some of the worst years in my almost 30 years. I don’t love the town I live in but I do love the people here. And most days everyday I think about moving. Mostly to Nashville, but honestly I would go almost anywhere. In spite of all that negative, I know that God has blessed me incredibly by the people He has placed into my life here. I have a family here. My sister & bil are here. My church family is here. So why can’t I be happy?? Is it time to move on?

I was telling a friend tonight how I think there’s something wrong with me. Somedays I know that for right now I’m where God wants me. I am praying for that to change (SOON), but I’m ok here. I want to make changes to some of the things in my life, but I’m ok. Happy.. No. Ok.. Yes.

Then other days I have the complete opposite of emotions. I want to run as far away from here & never look back. Not that I would.. (remember all those people God put into my life.. Yeah those..). But it’s not about running away, it’s that I need something new. I feel that my time here is up. I’ve done all that I can do and it’s time to move on. This town is to small and I can’t get away from the past that hurts me. (See I told you there was something wrong.).

The problem here is that the run away days far out weigh the good peaceful days. And the run away days happen on good days. (Nothing major happens to set this off..).

So this is where my questions come in. I know not to make a move without direction, so I know to stay put until God opens something or I feel a leading.. But how do I stop these emotions? Why am when I’m praying for direction.. Praying for God to move me.. I get nothing? What about this needs to change? As I’m typing this out I realize that something in my prayer needs to change.. But what? How can I seek God better in this? Do I need to pray differently?

I’m going to continue to seek counsel on this but if you think about it, please say a prayer for me. The fact is, I wanna be where God wants me. If that’s in small town Virginia, then so be it.. God change my heart. If He wants me in Nashville, or anywhere for that matter.. THAT’S where I want to be. Not because it makes me happy, but because it’s God’s will for me to be there. Will you join me in praying??